A facetious retelling of the Flood that despite its obvious stupidity is about one million times better than the infantile explanation Ray supports

This is from a BBC Radio 4 show called That Was Then, This Is Now, written by and starring Richard Herring. I refer you to the blog title above.

RICH: According to the chronology of insane 17th century nutjob Archbishop James Ussher, the Great Deluge that prompted the creation of Noah’s Ark began on 25th November 2348BC. Gotta admire that specificity! Still he lived in the 17th century so maybe he can be forgiven for believing the world was created in 4004BC. What I find hard to countenance is that despite the wealth of evidence to the contrary some people still believe he was right today and I am not allowed to call them mental or ignorant for doing so, but have to respect their beliefs and their decision to live their lives based on the idea of one old book being infallibly true, even though it openly contradicts itself all the time and is at odds with all the geological, archaeological and biological evidence available to us. So I do respect that. Well done, you people. Noah’s Ark is literally true and happened 4000 years ago, even though a 6 year old child would be able to point out a hundred reasons that it makes no sense - so let’s celebrate that trueness now in the form of a skit.

GRAMS BIBLICAL MUSIC EST AND FADEFX BIBLICAL TIMES ATMOS UNDER.FX THUNDERBOLT

GOD Hello.

MRS NOAH Oh hello, God!

GOD Is Noah around?

MRS NOAH I’ll just get him. Noah. It’s for you.

NOAH Who is it?

MRS NOAH It’s God

NOAH Oh… oh hello! What can I be doing you for?

GOD I am fed up with the wickedness of the people that I created to be wicked so I have decided to destroy them all.

NOAH That seems a bit drastic…

MRS NOAH Yes you did such a good job creating everything…

GOD Silence! They are rubbish and they all must perish. Except you. You’re all right.

NOAH Oh thanks. That means a lot. Especially coming from you.

GOD So I am going to send a gigantic flood to cover the world and kill everyone else.

NOAH Gosh. That seems a very elaborate way to go about things.

MRS NOAH Couldn’t you just sort of magic all the people you didn’t like dead?

NOAH Or why not just magic them so they are good.…?

GOD Don’t question me. I’ve thought it all through. Only a flood will guarantee that everyone is killed.

MRS NOAH Everyone who doesn’t have access to a boat.

GOD No, cos we’re inland so no-one has a boat.

NOAH The whole world isn’t inland though is it. Some of it is by the sea and people there will have boats and survive.

GOD Er…um… I will just magic it so that they die.

MRS NOAH Can’t you do that with everyone?

GOD No…. so for you to survive you will need to build a boat.

NOAH (quietly) It seems like a lot of effort…

GOD What?

NOAH Nothing.

GOD But a really big boat, because under the flood system I have implemented, all the innocent animals will die, so you need to go round and collect two of every species, one male, one female…

MRS NOAH You’re sure you don’t want to rethink the flood thing.

GOD Shut up. It’s a good idea.

NOAH A lot of animals are really dangerous though – won’t they eat me?

GOD I will magic it so they don’t.

MRS NOAH Can’t you just magic it that they are temporarily aquatic or can fly?

NOAH Or that the people you don’t like die without all this flooding and boat building.

GOD I could go off you, Noah. You’re just being lazy.

NOAH I’m not lazy. But building this boat and collecting all the animals. It’s a logistical nightmare. I mean most of the world is undiscovered so far and there must be loads of animals I don’t even know about…

GOD Yes there are! Billions. And I need you to discover them, develop the technical expertise to determine a male and female of each species and bring them back here to put on the boat which you also have to build. And don’t cut corners. When you get to the Galapagos Islands for example you will find 13 essentially similar, but slightly different species of finches and you must get two of each. I created them especially to make it appear as if a thing called evolution existed, so I could test people’s faith and I will be furious if they perish.

MRS NOAH So presumably we’d better collect 2 of every race of people as well.

GOD No, just you two and your sons Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives, from whom all future humans will be descended.

NOAH With the best will in the world, God, I and all my sons are Jewish and even if their wives happen to be Chinese, African and Aborigine, which seems pretty unlikely given Jewish traditions, do you really think it’s conceivable that they will have people a multi-cultural and racially diverse world in just 4000 years?

GOD …. I will magic it so they do.

MRS NOAH Can’t you just magic it so…

GOD No, I want a flood and we’re having a flood. Why are you being so prediluvian about this?

NOAH It just seems a little bit implausible and unnecessary. Can’t you come up with something a little bit more likely? Maybe it’s just a localised flood and I manage to cobble together a raft and save a dog? Then maybe anyone over 5 can believe it actually happened.

GOD You have to believe, Noah. If Father Christmas can get round to all the children of the world in a single night, then you can build an ark and collect all those animals in an hour.

NOAH An hour?

GOD Didn’t I mention that?

FX THUNDER BOLT. RAIN STARTS POURING DOWN UNDER.

Mrs NOAH You’ve got to be kidding, you mentalist.

GOD Right half an hour.

NOAH Oh God.

GOD That’s my name don’t wear it out.

Fx SAWING AND BANGING FX OUT

RICH Take that God! I wouldn’t like to be Him once that sketch is broadcast. We got him!