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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Anti-Atheist Starter Kit

If you are a beginner anti-atheist, there's a belief system you should embrace and a language you should learn, or you will find yourself in trouble. Here are twelve suggestions for the novice:


  1. The key point to remember when dealing with atheists is this: Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, admit the possibility that they are right. Your objective here is not to arrive at the truth, but to serve God and to win the debate (not necessarily in that order), and you'll do neither if you give any ground to the atheist. Even if you're doubting, even if you know for a fact that the atheists are right, don't you dare admit it.

  2. The only necessary yardstick for measuring truth is whether it contradicts what the atheists say. For instance, if a scientific theory confirms atheism, then it is stupid, boneheaded, and even demonic -- but if it disconfirms atheism, then it is intelligent, and the brave and faithful scientist who invented it should be applauded.

  3. Sometimes you may lose track of your previous statements, and the atheist will accuse you of contradicting yourself. But as long as you are contradicting the atheist, it stands to reason that you will always be correct. Remember, when dealing with atheists, you are absolved of all culpability, both intellectual and moral, for what you say.

  4. Be as illogical and irrational as you can. This will help you, not hinder you, since logic and reason are the tools of the atheists, and you won't get anywhere by playing on their field. Besides, God isn't constrained by logic or reason, so why should you be?

  5. Consider setting a timetable for yourself as follows: Spend a few days or a week talking to atheists directly, or saying things to anger them, and goad them into being angry with you, thus giving you the appearance of the moral high ground. Then spend a few days or a week ignoring them, turning your attention to other matters while letting them, and your audience, stew in the wisdom of your words. Then repeat your points.

  6. Explain your position clearly to atheists, because they obviously don't know what the Bible says. Many claim to have read the Bible in its entirety, but this is clearly false -- if they have read it, obviously they would believe it!

  7. Do not alter anything you say in the light of anything the atheist says. Remember, atheists are wrong, therefore, so long as you are contradicting them, you are right -- no ands, ifs or buts.

  8. Do not waste time learning anything about what the atheists' actual positions are. Atheists are all idiots, so you can state their position better than they can anyway.

  9. Call atheists names, and insult them every chance you get. Believe it or not, atheists respond well to that -- and, of course, your anti-atheist friends will love it.

  10. After a certain amount of time, you'll have atheists responding to what you say, and this should be welcomed for the following reason: About one percent of what the atheists have to say to you will be, or can be made to sound when removed from context, either stupid or perfectly patterned to one of your talking points. Take this stuff, use it -- it's gold to you. (As for the the other ninety-nine percent, just pretend that doesn't exist.)

  11. Physical force is generally frowned upon; however, there is precedent for it. Use your own judgment.

  12. Finally, remember the words of Paul: "I become all things to all men in order to save." This means that you shouldn't be afraid of hypocrisy, and outright lying, so long as you're serving the purpose of Christianity, thus defeating atheism. Your ends always justify the means. You can be as immoral, as hypocritical, as ignorant and as stupid as you want, and you'll still end up a better human being than the atheists. Why? Because they're atheists, and you're not. If that's not all that matters to you, then you have no business being an anti-atheist.

7 comments:

  1. A few additions-

    - When you don't know about something, just spew out bible quotes. Don't worry that the bible seems to be contradictory, that is just God's way of making sure that you can justify any argument you make if you just select the appropriate bible quote.

    - Use Pascal's Wager in every argument.

    - If you do quote scientific sources, make sure to quote out of context so the statement appears to be contradictory.

    - Always fall back to the circular argument that God wrote the bible, so it must be true, and if its in the bible, it must be true because God wrote it.

    - Never say anything that can be empirically tested, you will always lose the argument when it comes down to reality.

    - Be sure to always remind the non-believer that their actions are sinful, no matter what they do, and that they await an eternal damnation for their sins.

    - Always end your conversation/argument with "I will pray for you!" so you can maintain the impression that you care about other people.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Also used by the Republican party to run their campaign.

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  3. Nice, but needs more Scripture quotes. Ideally, every single suggestion should have at least one Scripture quote tacked to it.

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  4. "Call atheists names"

    It isn't that you do not believe in God...........you are God hater's.

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  5. I thought Satanists were god haters. I'm all confused no, that damn Ike.

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  6. Hey Igor.....you were confused before I commented. I hope you're not a lawyer?

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  7. Is it because if I were one I would end up in hell, as per old joke, or because of my confusion? precludes from being an attorney? Or is it because you looked at my profile, saw "law" and decided to make a snide remark about my occupation?

    ReplyDelete

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