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Thursday, August 7, 2008

How to be a mindless, bigoted, stereotypical christian - just like Ray Comfort. (A Rebuttal to "The Atheist Starter Kit.")

If you are a beginner theistard, there's a lingo that you'll need to pick up, a way of thinking that you must adhere to. Otherwise you may have to actually critically examine and/or defend your outlandish beliefs in an intelligent and straight forward matter. Seeing as this is impossible while being a mindless, bigoted, stereotypical christian like Ray, you'll have to learn how to deflect any and all serious questions that challenge your beliefs. Here's ten suggestions:

1.Whenever you are presented with logical evidence that calls into question the existence or possibility of your deity insist that atheists don't understand the nature of god, change the definition of god to something so intentionally ambiguous that it's practically meaningless or insist that atheists are lying intentionally.

2. When you hear an atheist explain to someone why Paley's watchmaker argument and all of its lesser, more idiotic incarnations(pop can, air plane, etc) have been refuted, insist that this argument still holds true. Ignore any and all explanation regarding your misunderstanding of the theory of evolution - ignore the fact that mechanical and biological processes are NOT the same thing, ignore the fact that we can see evolution in action(Lembski's E. coli). Insist that some things are 'too complicated' to happen by 'chance'. Ignore the atheist when he explains that natural selection is not 'chance', and ignore his explanation of how whatever you've said could NOT have evolved did indeed evolve. You'll also need to ignore the other philosophical and logical issues with this sentiment - pretend that saying that everything needs a designer but then claiming that the most complex of ALL things(God) does not need one makes perfect sense. Insist that you can add this qualifier on without any further explanation. Ignore the fact that when we say we can see a painter for a painting or a builder for a house that we can LITERALLY see, meet, and physically talk to said painter or builder.

3. When an atheist tries to point out the logical fallacies of Pascal's Wager, pretend to be too stupid to understand what they're explaining. Ignore the fact that an appeal to emotion is not proof of anything other than the lack of any real argument. Pretend that this same wager doesn't mean that you're gambling yourself - after all, you reject every other god that people believe exists, don't you? Make sure to assert that you are certain that your god is the correct one 'because the bible says so.' Ignore the fact that every single religion insists that it is the correct one for the exact same reasons.

4. When someone questions the existence of your god or professes no belief in jesus, insist that they have no real intellectual concerns. Instead inform them that the reason they don't believe is that they want to excuse themselves from things like, "whoever looks on a woman to lust for her, has committed adultery with her already in his heart." You can insist this even if the person saying it is a girl - after all, she's a filthy non-believer and therefore could be a LESBIAN. Then try to pretend that you yourself have no sexual or biological urges so that you can feel superior to the questioner.

5.Believe everything that your pastor, priest or evangelist says that the bible says. Even the contradictory things. Don't ever question. And whatever you do, don't read the thing for yourself cover to cover. If you do so, you run the serious risk of seeing and understanding the glaring contradictions, falsehoods and mistakes that it contains. If you do ever feel like you have doubts, spend all of your expendable income on books by guys like Ray Comfort - who gets filthy rich off of trying to explain away, confuse, distort or justify said glaring errors. Never critically think or examine anything you read in the bible, simply insist over and over that it is the inerrant word of god and absolutely true - even the contradictions - even when pesky science or history contradicts it.

6.Insist that you were once a genuine atheist and that you were so angry with god and that you hated him. Ignore the fact that the definition of an atheist excludes the hatred of a deity - seeing as you cannot hate something you don't believe exists. Tell everyone how badly you acted and how much you cursed jesus - then tell them how one day you magically saw the light and became a bible-thumping theistard, all by the grace of jesus. (See, the cool thing about being a christian is that you can lie through your teeth because you believe that you are justified if it helps convince people to believe the same things you do.) If an atheist tries to counter with the 'No True Scotsman' fallacy, ignore them. It cannot be overly emphasized how important ignoring your own logical fallacies is and how doing so can allow you to continue to feel secure with your irrational and unfounded beliefs.

7. Believe that nothing is 100% certain except the bible. Do not question it. Believe with all of your heart that there is credible evidence for intelligent design or creationism. Ignore any and all scientific evidence that disproves your scripture. Refuse to acknowledge the evolutionary theory, even while reaping its benefits(medical science, vaccines, transplants, surgeries, etc).

8.Try, whenever possible to threaten people with the idea of hell. Ignore the fact that the only people who are afraid of hell are people who believe in it. Ignore the fact that there is no definitive proof that there is an afterlife of any kind, let alone a heaven or hell. Ignore the theological implications of such a place and don't let the contradictions of a just and loving god who wants to torture people for all eternity simply because he created them improperly ruin the fun you'll have when fantasizing about all those who oppose you burning forever. Convince yourself that just because you really want to believe in something, that it exists. Don't bother to logically examine or question the obvious psychological issues - ie, the possibility that humans have created the notion of an afterlife to deal with a death that they are terrified of and don't fully understand.

9. Blame atheism for the atrocities of the Nazi's or the Communists. Ignore the fact that Hitler declared himself to believe in your jesus. Ignore the fact that Hitler utilized christianity to justify his hatred of the Juden and their mass extermination. Pretend that these atrocities mean that all atheists want to murder people. Ignore any and all wars, inquisitions or otherwise christianity related mass murders.

10. Finally, keep in fellowship with other like-minded theistards who believe as you believe, and encourage each other in your beliefs. Build up your faith. Never doubt for a moment. Remember, the key to theism is to be unreasonable. Fall back on that when you feel threatened. Think shallow, and keep telling yourself that you are intelligent. Remember, a theist is someone who pretends there is a god to make themselves feel better. Without your belief you would have to accept that there is no life after death, that the universe is a vast, cold unfeeling place that was not created for us, and that you are not a special creation. And admitting those things would lessen your ability to pretend you're better than everyone else, and no one wants that, do they?


  1.      It seems everyone has a reponse to the "atheist starter kit." Yep, I have one too. On my blog, I posted "How to be a christian leader."

  2. Bravo. Wonder if old Bananastache would let the one slip by moderation?

  3. I think it was too ridiculous for most of us to not parody. =)

  4. maragon,

    you have to remember that Raylians can only read maybe, one or two paragraphs before their brain goes numb.

  5. Mud,

    I am in total agrreance with you. When one of us posts certin questions to the fundumbentalists over one sentence long, their attention span, and propensity for comprehension, is taxed to the max.

    If you are going to elicit a response from one of them, in my opinion, we must keep it to one salient question at a time.

    In fact, those observations are probably the proclivities that forces them into the confines of basing their whole lives on one ancient book of myths.

  6. There is a recent exception to my earlier generalization, and that is "Firefighter's Gal." I am convinced that she knows more about biology and evolution than I ever did, yet she falls back on the bible. Curious, that.

  7. "that the universe is a vast, cold unfeeling place that was not created for us"

    I don't think the universe is an unfeeling place. Cold and vast yes, but definitely not unfeeling. Since I'm feeling right now and I'm part of the Universe, doesn't that mean the universe is full of feeling? It's like we became the universe's thoughts or a little bit of the universe can now think. Does that make sense haha?

    Oi. Went off on a tangent, when all I wanted to say was nice rebuttal.

  8. Dale,
    Yeah I agree, there are intelligent Christians. I have a link on my blog to "The most intelligent theist I know"


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