Fundamentalist Christian Starta Kit

If you are a beginner Christian, there's a belief system you should embrace and a language you should learn, or you will find yourself in trouble. Here are ten suggestions for the novice:

1. Whenever you are presented with credible evidence for evolution, call it a "lie," or "pile of bones”. If something is quoted from somewhere, label it "worldly wisdom."

2. When a person says that evidence proves that evolution occurred, dismiss such common sense by saying "We didn’t come from space jam, and a monkey is not my uncle. It’s not in the bible. Explosions cannot create things. Look at a banana…"

3. When you hear that you have everything to gain and nothing to lose (the pleasures of living life without fear of a sky daddy, and the endurance of being rational) by disregarding the gospel, say "That's just the old Dawkins wager."

4. You can also deal with the "whoever looks on a woman to lust for her, has committed adultery with her already in his heart," by getting on your knees and saying you’re sorry (or liking men).

5. Pretend that the Bible is not full of mistakes, and actually says things like the earth is 6,000-10,000 years old. Do not read it for yourself. That is a big mistake. Instead, read, believe, and imitate Ray Comfort. Don’t learn and practice the use of big words. "Watch Hell’s Best Kept Secret!" is a good phrase to learn.

6. Say that you were once a genuine Atheist, and that you found it to be false. (The cool thing about being a Christian is that you can lie through your teeth, because you believe anything creationists do is okay in God’s book.) Additionally, if an Atheist points out that this is impossible (simply due to the very definition of Atheist as one who lacks belief in God), just reply "Hummina Hummina Hummina.'" PLEASE NOTE: It cannot be overly emphasized how learning and using these little phrases can help you feel secure in dismissing common sense.

7. Believe that nothing is 100% certain, except that GODDIDIT. Do not question it. Believe with all of your heart that there is credible scientific evidence for GODDIDIT. When you make any argument, pat yourself on the back by concluding with "Man, I r smartz! John 3:16, the Lord rebuke thee AHH-Theists!” That will make you feel good about yourself.

8. Deal with the arguments against that of eternal punishment by saying that you believe in the existence of Hell, over and over and over again. Then convince yourself that because you believe in something, it therefore does exist. Follow that logic always.

9. Blame Atheism for the atrocities of Stalin--when he did away with the Churches (Never mind the fact that he did it because he was a totalitarian dictator trying to get rid of the competition. Just pretend there is some ‘atheist’ dogma).

10. Finally, keep in fellowship with other like-minded Christians who believe as you believe, and encourage each other in your beliefs. Build up your faith. Never doubt for a moment. Remember, the key to Christianity is to be unreasonable. Fall back on that when you feel threatened. Think shallow, and keep telling yourself that you are intelligent. Remember, a Christian is someone who believes in the bible and Jesus Christ coming to die for their sins. An idiot is someone who believes Ray Comfort.

Posted by Dale for the "Ranting Student "