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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Malleus Maleficarum

This is my first post so I thought I would make it something interesting! Early christianity amuses me to no end, so I thought I would publish excerpts from one of my favorite documents, Malleus Maleficarum (Hammer of Witches) written by Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger in 1486 (don't quote me on that date) as a tell all guide about witches. I've edited it down to give you the best part about penis theft and what not so enjoy!

--Also I like how even though this isn't a joke, it does have it's own punchline!!

“First, it must be in no way be believed that such members are really torn right away from the body, but that they are hidden by the devil through some prestidigitory art so that they can be neither seen nor felt. And this is proved by the authorities and by argument; although is has been treated of before, where Alexander of Hales says that a Prestige, properly understood, is an illusion of the devil, which is not cause by any material change, but exists only in the perceptions of him who is deluded, either in his interior or exterior senses…”
“As when a man who is awake sees things otherwise than as they are; such as seeing someone devour a horse with its rider, or thinking he sees a man transformed into a beast, or thinking that he is himself a beast and must associate with beasts. For then the exterior senses are deluded and are employed by the interior senses. For by the power of devils, with God’s permission, mental images long retained in the treasury of such images, which is the memory, are drawn out, not from the intellectual understanding in which such images are stored, but from the memory, which is the repository of mental images, and is situated at the back of the head, and are presented to the imaginative faculty. And so strongly are they impressed on that faculty that a man has an inevitable impulse to imagine a horse or beast; and so he is compelled to think that he sees with his external eyes such a beast when there is actually no such beast to see; but it seems to be so by reason of the impulsive force of the devil working by means of those images.”
“And what, then, is to be thought of those witches who in this way sometimes collect male organs in great numbers, as many as twenty or thirty members together, and put them in a bird’s nest, or shut them up in a box, where they move themselves like living members, and eat oats and corn, as has been seen by many and is a matter of common report? It is to be said that it is all done by the devil’s work and illusion, for the senses of those who see them are deluded in the way we have said. For certain man tells that, when he had lost his member, he approached a known witch to ask her to restore it to him. She told the afflicted man to climb a certain tree, and that he might take which he liked out of the nest in which there were several members. And when he tried to take a big one, the witch said: You must not take that one; adding, because it belongs to a parish priest.”


  1. Thanks for the post Revenent, but I have always found that my collection of cocks much prefer wheat to oats and corn. Just add a little water and yeast and they rise to priestly proportions.

  2. Lol wow.

    FFS, this makes me both laugh and want to hit something. How can humanity possibly succeed when so many are eager to keep us ignorant.

  3. This reminds me of the first job I ever had. It was as a salesman in a sex shop.

    Wouldn't you know that the first morning I started, the manager got an emergency call, so he said to me, "I know you haven't been trained, but I really have to leave for a while, so do the best you can till I get back"

    I was in the store for a while, then a customer came in. I asked her what I could do for her & she said nervously, "I want to buy a dildo".

    I said to her "Well, we have this white one for $25, this black one for $50 and this red and green plaid for $100."

    She said "I'll take the white one"

    So I rang up the sale.

    A little while later another customer came in and I asked what I could do for her.

    She said "I want to buy a dildo."

    So I said to her "Well, we have this white one for $25, this black one for $50 and this red and green plaid for $100."

    She said "I'll take the black one"

    So I rang up the sale.

    A little while later another customer came in and I asked what I could do for her.

    She said "I want to buy a dildo."

    So I said to her "Well, we have this white one for $25, this black one for $50 and this red and green plaid for $100."

    She said "I'll take the red and green plaid."

    So I rang up the sale.

    The store manager came back in a little while later and asked if everything went ok while he was gone.

    So I said "No problem. It went great. I sold a white dildo for $25, a black dildo for $50 and my thermos for $100."

  4. I knew I'd heard that joke before, but had to read it to the end to figure out where

  5. Revenant,
    I knew the moment I read this post that nothing but hilarity could ensue.

    I am a bit surprised that I had never heard of this work and I want to find a copy.

    I am studying to become a Haruspex so if you find any old works on that, please let me know.

  6. So we have a poster called froggy and revenant is french for "coming back"

    And I live in France.

    Welcome aboard revenant. Malleus maleficarum sounds funnier than Terry Pratchett. I'm going to have to hunt it down.

  7. Funnier than Pratchett, that is crazy talk Stew.

    On a side note, what is sad is this same thing is still happening in Africa.

  8. benjamin franklin
    -You really have to be careful with the amount of water and yeast otherwise you'll end up with a situation like bread in water...it's not good!!

    -I only have a slightly longer chunk of it which I got from a History of Western Civ. class I'm taking. I will be sure keep my eyes open for anything on haruspicy (although ewww!!)

    -The definition of revenant I was going off of was: –noun
    1. a person who returns.
    2. a person who returns as a spirit after death; ghost.

  9. I now see that the Maleus is available in it's entirety on line-

  10. The security of faith - in fear of change and progress for 500 years.
    How comforting that must be.

  11. Must... resist... urge to... flame... Raytard's latest posts...

    Someone hold me!

  12. I tried being reasonable in the latest posts. We will see how far that gets me....

  13. "Malleus maleficarum sounds funnier than Terry Pratchett."

    Blasphemy! Burn, Witch!

  14. That reminded me of this:

    Bawd II: I was in a convent one time and our donkey dropped dead outside the laundry. He must have been thinking about the other thing because his person was very prominent so to speak So the gardener said he'd cut it off so as the children wouldn't be looking at it hanging off the dead donkey like a man's arm over the side of a boat. So he cut it off and threw it over a wall, and where did it land only in the nuns' garden.
    Bawd I: Dear me such a place for an ass's baton.
    Bawd II: So there it was and the holy nuns came out to walk round and say their prayers.
    Bawd I: A beautiful object for them to find in their path
    Bawd II: And this nun sees it and she lets a scream out of her and calls another nun, 'Oh Sister Dolores, come here and look at this'. So Sister Dolores comes and she calls another nun. 'O Sister Theresa of the Little Flower come here at once and look at this,' and Sister Theresa of the Little Flower lets a scream out of her and calls anther nun, 'Oh Sister Most Holy Passion come here at once and look at this', and they were all standing looking at the donkey's destructor when the Reverand Mother comes out. 'My Children,' she says, 'what is the trouble?' So they point to the ass's tool lying on the path and the Reverand Mother bursts into tears and cries 'Oh look what the Protestants did to poor Father Slattery'.
    Extract from Richard's Cork leg - Brendan Behan

  15. John
    That was great!! Although my opinion is slightly biased, I've always liked the Irish sense of humor!! A personal favorite is "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift (although maybe I just like it because I'm an evil baby eating atheist!!) :)


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