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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A few choise words

Here's a hypothetical situation: Tomorrow, you're hit by a train while crossing the road.

You find yourself before teh awesome, glowing, mustachioed God, exactly as Ray described him, and he lets you know you're going to hell for your sins. But he's feeling in a good mood today, so he'll let you have a few minutes to rant.

What do you say?

25 comments:

  1. "Thank GOD, I mean, thank YOU for letting me go play with the cool people for all eternity."

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  2. MJarsulic wrote:
    "Depends on what his apology is."

    Well, I did say exactly as Ray described him, so his apology will most likely consist of "Suck it in, sinner wretch!! I love you. NOW BUUURRRNNN!!!!!"

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  3. I'm usually pretty calm but I'd probably get cranky. After all, what a stupid practical joke THIS scenario would be.

    I doubt I'd need more than 30 seconds. Something along the lines of:

    "Ha ha, very fucking funny asshole. You're a fuckwit mate. Go to hell."

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  4. "If you actrually wanted me to believe in you, some actual verifiably true evidence would have been swell.

    Also, RAY FUCKING COMFORT? That was the best you could do?

    Also, evolution is fucking kick ass - thanks for setting that shit up, yo."

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  5. Did anyone notice that Mark Laine has decided to throw in the towel? I wrote him a nice little eulogy over at Ray's House of fun...

    As to this thread... I would ask him why is it that the more people believe in him the creepier and more intolerant they become...

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  6. Poor mark. He was rebuked by Ray just a few posts above. Something about forswearing, I think. I couldn't quite get the gist of Ray's pointed Bible quote.

    That and the frustrating lack of converts, despite his expert proselytising, seem to have been too much for him.

    It must be hard for them to be rebuked by the one they hold in such regard. It seemed to (further) unhinge poor Terry. I felt bad about that, even though he obviously had some major issues.

    For a good Christian, Ray is certainly ruthless in casting away the weaker sheep within his flock.

    Anyone want to lay odds on who is next? I'm going with ethan, with dani'el a close second.

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  7. Quasar: I have to nitpick; hit by a train when crossing the road? God must have wanted me bad.

    Alphageek:

    In what thread did Ray rebuke Mark W. Laine?

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  8. Let me begin by saying, there were, and presumable still are unless the apocalypse has happened, infinitely more than sufficient reasons not to believe in you from a logical and evidential perspective. Enough to fill volumes, and in fact they have. But apparently you are omniscient, so whatever arguments against your existence there are, you must already know them and have chosen to still to conduct yourself as you have. (Obviously if this is true you have also consciously chosen to exclude mammoth swaths of the human population over the course of history, which makes you not only inconceivably evil, but also a liar. Again, however, being omniscient you know this and have chosen it.)

    So I will forgo most reason and logic and speak personally. In your omniscience you have observed the entirety of my life, and in your omnipotence, indeed have directed its course. You know my life experience arguably better than I know it myself, so we must both agree that you set me up to fail, theologically, from the beginning. You forced me into a corner, and now will prosecute me for being there. Determine the justice of this as you see fit.

    The most presumptuous of your impositions, I have to say was the way you orchestrated for me to be introduced to the "truth". Who can fathom the audacity of foisting a patriarchal religion and a patriarchal God on an individual whose own father was made unreasonable by that very religion? Who can span the insurmountable and irreconcilable rift between those ideas? It is the product of sheer sadism, and nothing else.

    This is inconsequential, however, because all personal objections aside, I really have only one thing to say to you:

    I am flattered to make of myself an everlasting martyr in your hell for the cause of humanity. I will join the most brilliant minds, the most compassionate hearts, and the most indomitable spirits of my species, and proudly stand by them in solidarity for the causes of justice, love, knowledge, and peace, and against tyranny, injustice, sadism and manipulation of a kind I am forever proud to say I found unimaginable during my life. It is an honor to enjoy eternal separation from a genocidal dictator such as yourself, of the most incredible variety, no matter what the circumstances. I will faithfully suffer with a clean conscience and unbloodied hands this hell that you choose to send me to, and may it forever be acknowledged: I was not unworthy of you. You were unworthy of me.

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  9. Hmm... Sorry to take it so seriously, but that was actually kind of satisfying.

    Good thing it will never actually happen.

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  10. Rufus:

    It's the untitled one right under "Why doesn't God say something"

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  11. Rufus wrote:
    "I have to nitpick; hit by a train when crossing the road? God must have wanted me bad."

    500 points and a big teddy bear for Rufus! I was wondering when someone would notice.

    PS: Ray directed a comment to Mark in this thread. Mark didn't take it as badly as Terry.

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  12. Kelly: that was inspiring. Big thanks for putting so much effort into it.

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  13. Rufus:

    This is what Ray said:

    Blogger Ray Comfort said...

    "[Mark...I removed where you said "as Ray says, and you are not happy and demonstrate your unhappiness in what your posts are including." I would never say that. See Jeremiah 12:1]."


    Jeremiah 12:1 is "Righteous art thou, O LORD, when I plead with thee: yet let me talk with thee of thy judgments: Wherefore doth the way of the wicked prosper? wherefore are all they happy that deal very treacherously?"

    I can't quite work out whether Ray is Jeremiah or the Lord, whether mark w is wicked and treacherous or what is going on ...

    I think he got pissy because mark was putting words in Ray's mouth - of course, that NEVER happens on Ray's site...

    Mark responded to Ray's rebuke in his "I'm outta here" post.

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  14. Okay. I've read Mark W. Laine's posts on that thread. He acts like such a tough guy. And like the vast majority of believers, he does look forward to non-believers burning in Hell. I imagine he gets off on it. When a true believer, of any kind, finds those who don't accept their beliefs, it drives them crazy. And it makes them even crazier when they are not taken seriously and are laughed at. If Heaven was real,who'd want to share it with an asshole like that?

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  15. Kelly: If God had half an ounce of spine and spirit he would step down and put you in charge.

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  16. If it was truly the Biblical God, I probably wouldn't have much to say. But I would kick him in the balls. Then I'd go hang out with Socrates, and Montaigne, and Cervantes and Shakespeare and Emerson and Wilde and all the rest.

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  17. I'd ask (in an annoyed voice) WTF?

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  18. Rufus said...
    "Quasar: I have to nitpick; hit by a train when crossing the road? God must have wanted me bad."

    Curses - foiled again. I was going to say, "What the fuck was that train doing on the road?" but you got there first.

    To be honest I wouldn't say anything; faced with a smug, self satisfied, self righteous, capricious, jealous arsehole who decided to create a world full of evidence that he didn't create it and then punish the inhabitants for following the evidence that he left, there is only one possible course of action: extreme violence. I would exert every non-corporeal joule of energy that I did or did not somehow possess (I mean, how the hell does that even work, anyway?) to, as we say in my home town, kick his fukin heed in. Words would be an unneccessary waste of potential hurting power.

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  19. Heh, it's a shame for Ray that he didn't do this thread on his blog. Some of this stuff would make excellent quote-mining material.

    I hope armageddon does come and we all die at the same time so I can watch the atheists of the world mob God and beat him to a bloody omnibenevolent pulp.

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  20. What would I say?

    "About the Bible...you gotta fucking kidding me that anyone was supposed to ever believe that crap."

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  21. Ok LORD, Quantum Physics. What was that about eh? Oh! And cancer! What kind of designer creates a human being with seriously major design flaws all the way through it?

    And what's with the one orgasm at a time for men? Mrs Smith can have as many as she wants, but I'm supposed to wait in this queueing system?

    The Middle East. You could have solved that whole problem by just letting it sink slowly beneath the waves. But instead you just let that whole affair drag on and on and on and on...

    Satan. Isn't it about time you two kissed and made up? You're all powerful, he's got nothing on you. He's hardly a threat to your power is he?

    Futurama. How could you let that get cancelled after four seasons! And don't sit there telling me that there was nothing you could have done about it, you just sat there and let it happen, didn't you?

    And what about those wasps that paralyse catapillers, inject their eggs into them which then go on to burst out of the poor catapillers skin. Why? Were you trying to create something grosser than a sea cucumber or something?

    What exactly did the dinosaurs do to piss you off by the way? Not ranting, just interested.

    The Dark Ages. Was there nothing you could have done about that?

    And just what is your followers obsession with sex!? Couldn't you have just told them to have an orgy after church every Sunday to get it all out of their sytem?

    The Catholic Church. Was that really your idea?

    Revels. Every time Mrs Smith offers me one of those bastard chocolate covered treats nine times out of ten I end up with a fucking coffee flavoured one. I know I can't prove it but I'll bet it's your fault. And could I once, just once get a fucking Cadburys Creame Egg that hasn't leaked a bit of the filling so that the foil wrapper is stuck to the egg and then just comes away in little pieces? Many more people in the world would still be alive today if it wasn't for that one little annoyance alone.

    Beta Max vs. VHS. Was there no way that you could have intervened there? When satan's format wins over yours it doesn't exactly send out the right message does it?

    Salamandas. Lovely work you did there, top notch. Why couldn't you have given humans that kind of regenerative power?

    Taxi Drivers. Nothing has made me yell your name louder than those crazy bastards. Was that intentional on your part? Or do Taxi drivers have some kind of special deal with you when it comes to high speed collisions?

    Babies. Having a baby is stressful enough without having to feed them every four hours through the night. Could you not have done something about that? even a 6 hour sleeping stretch just to let the parents catch their breath would have been nice.

    Puberty. 8 Years LORD. 8 Fucking years of being spotty, awkward and just what were you thinking with the whole voice breaking thing? Not to mention the smell! I'm growing up, happy as Larry, and then you slam puberty down on me. Not to mention the sexual desires you gave me with not one way to satisfy them. Was that some kind of joke on your part?

    The Bubonic Plague. Maraiah Carey. And The Crazy Frog Ringtone from Jamba. Seriously, if you can show me one good thing about any of those I'll eat a plate of broccoli.

    Which brings me to Broccoli and vegetables in general. Was there no way at all you could have made them just a little more tasty? I mean, sure they were nutritious food but broccoli wasn't exactly bacon was it?

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  22. That was only meant to be a short post. But then I got started and it all started flooding out.

    Sorry.

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