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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Random Thoughts, With Clos

Just a random thought.....how could "The Virgin Mary" continue to be a virgin; afterall, Jesus' penis was in her vagina during childbirth. Surely this must count. Catholics maintain she remained a virgo intacto her whole life...and never died. But if Jesus' penis.....wait.....................wait......AH! She had a C-section, thus bypassing the vagina!!!! Wew, close one.


  1. Clos,

    I thought we had established that, since no male DNA was involved in copulation, Jesus was a she. No penis, no problem!

  2. Yeah, if God made Jesus, where did the y chromosome come from?

  3. oh come on, that is an easy answer, Kaitlyn.

    GODDIDIT! He magically gave him a Y chromosome.

  4. I think they got it right in The Life of Brian.

    Excuse me.
    Are you a virgin?
    I beg your pardon!
    Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
    'If it's not a personal question'?
    How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!
    She is.
    Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely...

  5. John,

    That's exactly how it happened. It must have done... At what point did anyone actually ask Mary? Would anyone have had the balls to ask Joseph?

    Did Joseph have any balls?

    If he did, why wasn't he using them? Didn't want God's sloppy seconds? Did God call Mary afterwards to see how she was? I bet He said He would but then *conveniently* forgot her number.

    These are the questions that need answering!

  6. Just think, 2,000 years of Christianity based on Mary making up some ridiculous lie about being knocked up by a ghost. Her son becomes a magician (I'm picturing South Park where he shows them water and then says, "now, turn around....turn around" and pulls wine from behind his back)and now kids learn nonsense and everyone has fucking fish on their cars. Fuck!

  7. If she had a C-section, then this means that Jesus would be able to defeat Macbeth. Is there anything this guy can't do?

    Macbeth: I bear a charmed life, which must not yield / To one of woman born.

    Macjeebus: Despair thy charm, / And let the angel whom thou still hast served / Tell thee, Macjeebus was from his mother's womb / Untimely ripp'd.

  8. "Oholah engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians-warriors clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen. She gave herself as a prostitute to all the elite of the Assyrians and defiled herself with all the idols of everyone she lusted after. She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust upon her.
    Ezekiel 23:5-8

    The definition of virgin in the Bible does leave some room for interpretation.

  9. God's sloppy seconds?

    Blasphemy, I tell you, Blasphemy!

  10. Not only blasphemous but totally irreverent. Sacriligeous even.

    Disgustingly humorous.

  11. "The definition of virgin in the Bible does leave some room for interpretation."

    Indeed. I have myself become a "technical" virgin a couple times.

  12. So let's just lay out some of the genealogical anomalies pertinent to Jesus:

    1. Son of a "virgin"
    2. Product of father-daughter incest (once; confirmed since Ruth, David's great-great grandmother, was a Moabite -- a descendant of Lot and one of his daughters)
    3. Product of brother-sister incest and/or father-daughter incest (multiple times; deduced due to the fact that women are more needed in small populations, which Adam, Eve, and Seth must have been...)

    I'm not sure what should surprise us considering this is undisputed even by adherents of Christianity...



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