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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Thought this was funny

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" He said,"Reformed Baptist church of god!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. -- Emo Phillips

12 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Sounds kinda like my grandfather.

    Minus the pushing off of the bridge, I mean. He's not that mean.

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  3. I saw it telegraphed from sentence 2 and yet I laughed.

    Mark Twain said:
    "The secret source of humour itself is not joy but sorrow. There is, no humour in heaven.''

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  4. I think Emo's genuinely one of the great stand up comedians of our time.

    Here's some of his other religiously-themed gags:

    · When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me...

    · So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

    · A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

    · I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

    · When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster...

    · Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

    · I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be...thanks to evolution.

    (However - and sadly I can't remember it - he does have a gag which comes across as pro-Creationism)

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  5. speaking of funny:
    http://www.jesusandmo.net/strips/2008-11-07.jpg

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  6. Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
    Reg: Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea

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  7. · So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

    oh man i lolled so hard at this one

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  8. (However - and sadly I can't remember it - he does have a gag which comes across as pro-Creationism)

    Part of being a humorist is to be able to laugh at anything. Even your own position.

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  9. GE - fair point, but in this case it's actually a bad gag.

    I wish I could remember it.

    I seem to recall it's something about a duck-billed platypus, but I may be wrong.

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  10. >>baldy

    Emo is a neo-Calvinist.

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  11. I don't really care if he's a neo-whatever-silly-idea-adherent, his lines are brilliant:
    http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Emo_Phillips

    I can't even decide which ones I like best. That kind of humor is so exactly my thing it's scary. Scary in a warm-fuzzy sort of way. Way out there.

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